


La mia serenata cantarò per te (I will sing my serenade for you)

by orphan_account



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: 2017 Rostelecom Cup, 2017-2018 Figure Skating Season, Angst, Implications of the cursed R-word, Internal Monologue, M/M, POV First Person, Self-Reflection, Stream of Consciousness, unrequited feelings probably
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-01
Updated: 2017-12-01
Packaged: 2019-02-09 03:12:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,999
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12878979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Rostelecom Cup Notte Stellata.In the brief time of a song, how much can one tell?





	La mia serenata cantarò per te (I will sing my serenade for you)

**Author's Note:**

> I thank tsm (again and again!) for making me reconsider quitting writing for good. I owe it to her knocking senses into my stupid pseudo-perfectionist competitive self :3  
> Shoutout to crazykuroneko for giving the first draft a quick look and being super supportive. I've made quite some editing since then so any mistake remains mine. And to the amazing fieryrondo for always encouraging me to give it a shot every time I couldn't help letting my frustrations on writer's block show during my fangirling over those masterpieces.  
> Littlequasimonster's update on [_lights will guide you home (and ignite your bones)_](http://archiveofourown.org/works/9445898/chapters/21371639) was the last straw. I had enough *flips table* and needed to get some of my feels for fictional Yuzuvier out of my system *weeps*
> 
> [Disclaimer: The following portrayal does not intend to be disrespectful, or to reflect any bits of truth of the real-life counterparts who share their names. This is a work of fiction, born from pure imagination.]

As the string music descends over the arena, I wait at my starting position, bathing in the purplish light. The thought of you emerges. It’s not forced. It just appears. I’m no longer surprised. We both know- there won’t be lots of time left for us, or our unique bond between rinkmates and rivals. This happens lately whenever I let slip of my guard.

I try not to chide myself too much, relying on my muscle memory to guide me across the ice. As I glide on my left foot, the music whirls around me in a gentle embrace. Safe and familiar, it’s all set for me. I sense my right toe pick slowing my movement down. I finally, for the first time, let myself submerge in the thoughts I’ve been suppressed for so long.

This performance is for you, Javi.

In the same city where we first shared a Grand Prix. And our first podium finishes a year later.

Memories of a foreign language other than English. This song isn’t in Spanish. It’s close enough to my ears. Enough to remind me of you, but not too much to knock me out of balance.

Tarasova- _sensei_  is here watching. I can’t let her down with an average performance. Still, I’ve made up my mind. I elbow away the last bit of hesitation. From the time when I open my arms, this performance will be about my feelings for only you.

Not that you’re unaware of such a heap of emotions. But how about the extent and its recipient? I doubt it. You saw this program in its unpolished state when I started working with David. I knew you stayed to watch a bit. You chose not to pry but I noticed anyway. Words are often unnecessary and inconvenient between us.

What if I want to show you fully?

In the time for the twizzles, which I let myself swept into the vibrato as nicely as I want, I made another choice. I’ll just offer what my heart feels. My hands move in their accords as I peek at the ice. It becomes closer to me as I kneel. Simple as that. Less thinking. More feeling.

Catagorizing is overthinking. The layback Ina bauer is coming up.

Some English people described me as “ _extra”_ on the Internet. It took me a while to understand. But who would put two layback Ina Bauers in a free? I frowned at it when I first came across it on YouTube. It was many years ago. Look how far you’ve come from that curly-haired boy who fell twice from just spins. I’m so proud of you, Javi. I’m honoured to witness your progress firsthand, day by day, closer than most people.

The soaring long note pauses my train of thought. I bend back like I did for countless times. There’s a certain softness in your layback Ina Bauer. I shouldn’t have clapped when I passed by to see your first run through in _Danny Boy_. I still can’t believe you’re bringing it back. The clapping around me now sounds distant. My heart aches in a soft way. Some memories do that for you.

Sometimes I find it frustrating to fail to pinpoint all the special moments of personal value. Was it perhaps the moment I decided to ask David to choreograph for me again? He knows us the best outside our coaches. I’m glad David is so understanding and collaborates with me on this. He knows spreading wings to reach previously unknown places is my ultimate goal. He’s been encouraging me to pour in my emotions more, keeping convincing me that I wouldn’t overdo it. I stretch my arms in the side lunges, projecting the elegant image of a swan with its wings. You’ve made flying away easier for me. Have I let you know my gratitude and "I do care" enough?

I know the lyrics well. I did my research. Thankfulness sits well with this piece. Now I solely have you in this piece finally. I wish time could slow down. It’s sad that anti-clockwise spins don’t do this to the passage of time. Now I admit there’s not a single ounce of doubt on what you are to me. I can’t believe I just let the irritation show from the drop from my Biellmann. I can do it softer! When have the familiar movements felt so different?

Enough about me. I’m committed to dedicate this to you and it should be about you.

_“Quanto ti amo ora lo sai…”_

_Now you know how much I love you._ My heart skips a beat. It still does. I push away the slight regret that comes, drowning it with my vast feelings for you, drawn from every fiber of my entire being. The choreography does fit, as if it were planned for such a moment. These sentiments are intangible, but they weigh too much. How should I start? When has more started to take shape, other than indebtedness and respect? Questions that have no answers. I lay them down around me, letting them sink and bleed into the ice.

The arena is not big enough. I have too much to tell. What can I do to stop time, to erase the smooth locus coming freshly in view from the hydroblading spiral?

Focus. The second spread eagle is not what I would’ve liked. You deserve nothing less than a perfect performance. In the limit of time and space, this is my statement. And I don’t want it to be ruined by slips. I will question less. I will focus at the moment.

Still, the present is so clouded with uncertainties. I’m still trying to sort through them. Brian’s arrangement- I hope I haven’t analyzed too much- just screams like the preparation for something inevitable. Something I dare not ask you for a confirmation.

I cannot imagine how it’d be like to train without you near me. I’ve tried so hard to to work normally on days you’re training away from me, and it doesn't get right. Lots are missing.

These half-sit twizzles remind me of the Romeo I once was. The nameless youth from Japan you first met properly. It was all the way back. I opted to move to Toronto and I never regret it, despite all the burdens and guilt. I fought them well. Since then, much has happened on the rink and the city I only call home because you’ve been there too. I can still wish it to be like this always, yet I’m now too battered to fiercely believe in what Romeos do.

I’m now stopping all the nonsense maybes and what-ifs. Let me get these messages right, for once. The lyrics talk of _amore_ but what I have for you is far too complex and too much to be summarized in just a word. Not to mention it's a word foreign to both our ears, perhaps more to me even so.  My understanding of myself tells me, after many a time, that there have never been and will never be anyone else who can make me feel the same way. I’ve portrayed a fearless lover and the notion of yearning itself, but it was so unlike from what I have for you. I hope I succeeded in both caring about you and confusing you with my distance outside TCC or competition rinks. As the special ones with responsibilities on our shoulders, I am resolved that you are to be safe from any possible troubles resulted from an association of more than rivals or colleagues with me. You are far too much to me, and honestly I’m nearly half-glad I don’t need to worry about the faint chance of reciprocation.

Such an unplanned confession. I command my inner self not to fall apart because of the honesty. I transfer the overwhelmingness into the patterns underneath my blades. The vocal crescendo seems to give any pain or sorrow a channel out. I may have done more than mouthing the sound along. Here's to the return of a certain dull ache. 

The delayed axel. Another accident which became a routine. Nothing can go badly in mid-air. It’s the landing that shows. I feel slightly better after I landed it as expected. Axels do that to me constantly. My head is in a clearer place to set up for the triple axel.

I’ve never landed it well since Skate Canada. Please, let it be the moment for me to tell you something important. 

 _Pa_ — Cleanly landed to my satisfaction. The crowd roars and it gives me sufficient courage to make a vow.

In my extended twizzle exit, I promise you, as we'll soon leave less and less traces in each other’s life, I will still always be there for you, from my heart and past any physical distance, till my last breath. Right now, here on the ice that means so much to us, I swear it, because the ice, melt or resurfaced, will continue to be a constant in our lives, even after when we are both done for good.

So, there, I finally let it out in my own way. My focus gradually drifts back to pure gratitude. I thank all the deities and forces for sending someone like you to me. Someone whose presence will still be steadfast enough to power me through anything I want in the future.

Javier Fernández López, I’m beyond grateful for knowing you personally. For the time from only competing against each other to challenging ourselves side by side, in the perfect knowledge of having each other's back. And for unforgettable moments that have scattered amid our own timelines, like beads on a string. When there are new beads no more, it’ll be made into a bracelet. A treasure that will stay with me always.

As the music dies down, I reach out, for the last time, imagining you on a receiving end. Now I’m gathering all my feelings for you, exposed and spread out in the cold echoey air around, back to myself. It is of course too much to squeeze in, and it feels as if I stabbed myself with the blade I just polished to the sharpest. I fold down to guard it closely.

I envy the swans I’m imitating. At their ends, they can let it all out in a song.

The reality starts to spin around me. Time for me to school my emotions. I’m getting better and better at this. I don’t want any tears at the end to be scruntinized. I’m keeping this particular performance to myself till my own end. 

Here's my serenade for you. It was probably inspired by the most fitting line in this song I'm skating to. During my early preparations for this program, I tried to understand what triggered the thoughts of you. That line hit me. Here’s my heart wrapped in the craft of an art we both know too well. I am so sorry I am not brave enough. You matter to me too deeply on a personal level. Nonetheless, anything associated with Yuzuru Hanyu is, firstly, not mine. Only in this way, as I've accepted it for some time, I could have it as pure as it is.

By this, I look up to send the last strand of my unguarded thought of you to the universe. I know you’ll approve my last promise to us both—

I’ll continue to try my best to skate and live well even when you fade out of my life. 

 

* * *

The applause is thunderous. I take my bows with some guilt because I haven’t given enough back to the fans. Somehow, I suddenly recall that interview you gave at the backstage of ACI. The continuous cheers spark my decision. The challenge of separated training is something I refuse to take anymore. I’m greedy and I know what I want for our remaining time.

Once back in Toronto, I’m discussing with Brian over our training arrangements.

**Author's Note:**

> In this verse, I deliberately make it vague what their past is… Feel free to interpret any way you like! Kudos and comments would be absolutely lovely. I hope this is as an enjoyable read as my writing experience.
> 
> Basically, Rostelecom NS made me extremely emo (Tears ran down my cheek during the streaming. It's my favourite swan of all time, because of the depth and the complexity of emotions, the clean 3A with twizzle exit omg I should stop). Watching Javi at 2017 Cup of Disaster in person made me a total heartbroken mess (but Javi's live skating is something special that will remain close to my heart for always). Then, watching from afar Yuzu's NHK run & Javi's IDF win (still super jealous of anyone who saw Danny Boy live). God, why do I stan both of them so much?? These verses are nice distractions and here I am... 
> 
> Also, I’m on @boredjdc on twitter suffering the WTF season and praying for all skaters' health and happiness. Thank you for reading. Please have a twitter [gif thread of Rostelecom NS](https://twitter.com/boredjdc/status/922105182288166912).


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